It is Thanksgiving week and I am enjoying a wonderful time at the beach with all of my husband’s family. Barry would have loved to have been here. It has been eight years since he died. As I walked the beach this morning, I couldn’t help but think about how different things are today than they were the first year without him.
The first holidays after Barry’s death were both painful and difficult. Traditions that had brought great joy over the years were painful reminders. Everything seemed to bring back snap shots of wonderful memories we would never share again. I remember wishing that the whole world would stop the holiday rush and acknowledge my broken heart.
The holidays reawakened the grieving process and accentuated how very much our lives had changed. I remember feeling lost and overwhelmed. Looking back however, I can see clearly the invaluable lessons that I learned during that period of my life.
· Anticipation may be worse than the actual holiday. I have seen this to be true over and over again. I had to remind myself to live in the present- one day, and only one day, at a time. Some days I focused on living one hour at a time. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34. What a challenging scripture when my emotions were bouncing all over the place.
· Grief must have its due. Ignoring grief simply prolongs it. It seemed like my heart would never heal. I remember how intense my times with God became. I needed him and I knew it! I knew that he understood the things on my heart even when I didn’t. Despite the hustle and bustle around me, I clung to “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10. It helped me to remember that “God is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18. God would comfort me (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). God would walk me through each day, one day at a time, no matter how painful it might be.
· It is important to take time to remember. I remember vividly how invaluable my friends became. I loved being around girlfriends like Vivian Hanes who never tired of hearing stories about Barry. I needed to talk and I needed to know that someone truly cared about the cries of my lonely heart. “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17. I learned to allow the tears to come but look for the joy. It was important for me to keep Barry’s memory alive. I wanted our children to remember him. I learned quickly, however, to contain the memories so that they did not dominate the season. We kept many old memories and modified others. J’Alexye, my youngest, still hung the Christmas angel on the top of the tree, but that year she stood on her brother’s shoulders, as I fought back the tears.
· It is essential to acknowledge your limits. I had to scale back on stressful activities. The Christmas village with its endless activities would have to wait until another year. Christmas cards, especially without Barry in the family picture, were an overwhelming thought. I found it intensely challenging to be in situations with couples and had to learn to graciously say “no”. Something as simple as online shopping was a welcome alternative to stressful, crowed mall outings. I remember how relieved I was when my friend, Rhonda Stonestreet, offered to be my personal shopper.
· Serving others will ease the pain and will create lasting, joyful memories. “[H]e who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” Proverbs 11:25. I remember having a family meeting and coming up with ways to serve others. That has become one of my favorite Christmas traditions and has given us many wonderful family memories. Opening our home and our hearts to others helped comfort us.
· Time passes. The holidays ended. They always do. I woke up and it was January 2nd and we had made it through. I remember the sense of relief and victory. I also remember hating when well-intentioned friends told me that time was a great healer. It just seemed impossible. But it is true. Time is truly a great healer. Grief does get lighter. I do not believe we ever “get over” the loss of someone we hold dear, but I can testify that we can reach a place of acceptance. The sadness still comes but it is less frequent and its intensity diminishes with time. The memories are more flooded with joy than sorrow. “There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…”Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4.
As I look out over the beach and watch my children playing football without an apparent care in the world, I am amazed with how far God has brought us. Each year we look forward to the holidays and our time together. Each year we take time to share about Barry and the amazing influence he has had on our lives. Each year we are more grateful for each other and our days are filled with more and more joy.
I guess if I have one simple word of advice for those of you going through your first holidays after the loss of someone or something important in your life (including a job), it would be to allow yourself to grieve and choose to make it through this one year “Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5.
