God has given me the privilege to know and to have a relationship with Him, though the journey has been far from easy. I have had to overcome obstacles in my relationship with God due to my inability to properly heal from my previous life.
As a child, I grew up in a very abusive environment. At a young age, I was sexually abused by my step-father and his siblings for many years. As I became older, I continued to live in this cycle of abuse which ended up in date rape. Not only did I endure intense hardships sexually, but I also experienced physical abuse and emotional abandonment with no one to turn to. As a result, I lived my life the best way I knew how: surviving. I did not know the meaning of true intimacy, and, instead, lived from one sexual experience to another, unaware that my previous experiences were a catalyst for my ever-growing sexual appetite.
In all of this, however, God had a plan. I met some disciples after my freshman year in college. I studied the Bible and became a new creation in Christ. I was so elated, because everything I did not have as a child, God provided for me as an adult. My first years of being a disciple were exciting: a true rebirth. Yet, over time, I began to experience a downward spiral as my old sexual appetites resurfaced. Since I knew God’s word, I held fast to my convictions of not indulging in physical relationships. On the other hand, I turned to pornography and other behaviors which only fed my emptiness. What I thought would provide an escape only brought me guilt and shame. As with any addiction, the guilt and shame only forces you back into the old problems and habits. Therefore over time, I began to live a double life. I reasoned that this was my thorn while, at the same time, I did many things in for God.
Once again, God had a plan for my life. There comes a point with anyone who struggles with addiction that you must hit your lowest point in order to get the help that you need. For me, I experienced an ugly “rock bottom” (Psalm 88:3-5). Initially, my addiction began by watching certain movies that had sexual content, then moved on to soft pornography, and finally to hard core pornography. I began to plan my schedule around my addiction and could not wait to get home to indulge. I was so engulfed that I was unable to sleep or eat. I would spend my days fulfilling my sexual appetite so excessively that it became an obsession. I kept my job, but was unable to maintain the attention required to be successful. I no longer had control over my mind and body. My mind and soul became dark, because I was a slave to my addiction (Romans 1:21, 28).
God was faithful despite my sinfulness, and decided that he would not allow me to stay there forever (Psalm 40:2). I finally found the courage to get help and sought professional counseling with a Christian counselor who specializes in sexual addiction. In our times together, I had to learn how to remove the layers of abuse and abandonment. I was challenged to my core—being completely exposed and open. I had to learn how to allow God to fill the holes in my heart that I created. In being humble and vulnerable, I learned about true intimacy by letting others into my life.
Recovering from any addiction is not easy. It requires self-examination, openness, and the willingness to push through even when you fail (because you will fail). It requires breaking the hurtful cycles (shame, addiction, preoccupation, ritual, acting out, despair), so that you can have true intimacy with God (Hosea 2:19-20).
I am reminded of the woman at the well (John 4). She was a Samaritan (an outcast by the Jewish culture). When Jesus saw her and initiated with her (John 4:4-9), she was in hiding from society. Jesus knew her sin and despair but accepted her as she was. She was searching for love in relationships, and he reached out to her. Jesus knows that we are hurting because of our sin. He does not turn His back, but wants us to engage with us (John 4:10-26). Only in Christ will you receive the healing that your soul seeks (Jeremiah 33:6-9).
In closing, recovery requires breaking the isolation, surviving the withdrawal, reducing the shame, working through emotions, resolving crisis situations, defining sobriety, building relationships, experiencing sobriety, self-affirmation, life-style change, preventing relapse, growing spiritually, establishing long term support network, facing the past, and resolving abuse/abandonment. There is a lot to overcome! However, the reward far outweighs the work involved. And remember, you are not doing it alone. God is with you at every stage (Isaiah 40:28-31)
Bio: I have been a single Christian for 15 years now. My journey continues in recovery; however, with God I can proudly proclaim that I am a woman redeemed.
Note: photo downloaded from freefoto.com.
