The marriage bed must be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral”. (Hebrews 13:4)
For most Christians this scripture is abundantly clear: any sex outside of marriage violates God’s plan for sex and marriage. The outward actions of a man could easily illustrate whether or not he is obeying this command. But what about the marriage bed IN A MAN’S HEAD – the thoughts, the fantasies, the videos and movies that play in his brain over and over? How do we view this?
First, we must acknowledge: sexual addiction is real. Biblically, it can fall into these categories of sin: adultery, debauchery, impurity and immorality. The good news is that any sin can be put to death with true repentance. The harsh reality is that sexual addiction is a stubborn sin that has brought many good men down. Many faithful brothers are just a few bad decisions away from the abyss that this sin can lead them into. God’s intention in making women beautiful and men visually stimulated has been misunderstood and degraded. In the proper context, it’s a plan that executes beautifully and brings fulfillment to both. But Satan has a plan too. He makes it too easy to be impure and very hard to remain pure.
Today, a brother must battle visual lust daily. The sexual stimuli in our modern-day, gadget-saturated society is overwhelming for many strong Christian men. Yet, there are some men who have a very real genetic weakness for addiction, a predisposition for addiction, or an addictive personality. These men are Satan’s targets for sexual addiction. Sexual “acting out” causes the pleasure center of the human brain to light up like a Christmas tree, just like it does on heroin or cocaine. In our day, these various modes of “acting out” sexually are often free or very inexpensive, easily available, autonomous, progressive and deadly. Computers, cell phones and TV make it all too easy.
The necessary, but often elusive key, is that men get to a place of godly sorrow. Self pity, which is worldly sorrow, produces meaningless “crocodile tears” and a narcissistic, “woe is me” self-focus (2 Corinthians 7: 8-11). Depending on the brother’s heart, true repentance can take days, weeks, months or in the worst case, years. Men who are sexually addicted need accountability and grace, a difficult combination. Sometimes our sisters who are married to sex addicts are forced to use extreme measures: hidden GPS units on vehicles, cyber detectives who copy their husband’s hard drive, private investigators, and even lie detector tests.
I am a disciple of 32 years who has been married for 26 years. I have been in private practice as a Biblical counselor for over 15 years, and in all my experience I have seen few issues that are as challenging and potentially destructive to marriage and family as sexual addiction.
Symptoms of sexual addiction that sisters can be aware of are as follows:
· A password protected cell phone or computer
· A desire to push certain types of marginal movies onto a spouse
· A quick “clicking” on the computer when you walk into the room
· Random large blocks of time missing with lame explanations
· Odd charges on credit card bills
· Sudden change in sexual requests
· New and unusual preferences that creep into the marriage bed
The spouses of a sex addict are deeply affected. They, too, need support and usually some type of counseling from mature and knowledgeable people. They must reach out for help for themselves, and at the same time keep a godly perspective. Because of the deep hurt, it is very easy to condemn and to recoil. If you are a wife in this situation, you must check yourself for a self-righteous reaction.
Some wives view pornography just like infidelity. Some wives cannot overcome the betrayal. Some wives struggle so much in this situation, that they throw the baby out with the bath water, ignoring the decades invested in a good marriage with a good man. As for the men involved in this sin, some feel hopelessness and despair because they know their own deception and are in the relentless grip of darkness.
Sexual addiction is a devastating sin – with very strong clutches – but with acknowledgment, repentance, support (including accountability) and God’s grace, it can be overcome.
