Hope for Sexual Addiction: To Women in the Wake of Their Loved One’s Sexual Sin

In my travels, this scene has repeated itself often. A woman walks up to me after whatever event we’re at and waits patiently to introduce herself.
“Could we talk for a few minutes?” she asks, with pain flashing in her eyes.

After we find a private place in which to talk, she tells me a story about the man she loves. A story I’ve heard in many different versions from women of diverse races, cultures and life circumstances.

She may talk about secrets. Unexplainable behaviors. Defensiveness. Evasiveness. How all chaos broke loose as the truth finally started coming to light. Pornography. Masturbation. And for some, much more…from unprotected sex to prostitutes.

He may have been on this path for two years. Twenty years. Since he was 9 years old.

She is in shock. She is overcome by rage. She says she’s ready to forgive or that she’ll never forgive, although she’s hardly begun to grieve. She is afraid of him staying. She is afraid of him going. Most of all, she wants the pain to end…to discover that this was all only a nightmare….

When she’s talked to others, she’s received wildly varying responses:

“You have right a right to leave him, a right to a divorce, a right to take the children.”

“This is your cross to carry. Forgive him and move on.”

She may even be questioned as to what she’s done to send him running to sexual sin.

And all the while, emotion runs through her veins, pushing into every crevice of her being, threatening her very identity as a woman and as a Christian. She feels…

Fear — Does this mean our whole relationship is a lie? How can I ever trust him again?

Betrayal — Would he have ever told me if he hadn’t been caught? How do I know if I have the whole story?

Insecurity — Is this because I’m not enough? Is there something I did wrong?

Despair — How can I be with someone so selfish? How can I make sure I don’t get hurt again?

Shame — What will others think when they find out?

If you are this woman, know that you aren’t alone. Many followers of Christ have found themselves in this same position. And there is hope. There is a path you can follow to recovery and the fruits of recovery are sweet.

If you’ve never experienced this, but yet want to help your sister, your friend, your daughter, read on. The truth is that in this increasingly sexualized society, none of us are without risk. Yet true, Biblical hope shines like a beacon for us all.

But first we must open our minds to understand how Satan’s cunning attack can set up a stronghold…even in the heart of a true disciple.

The Pain of Addiction

“God has handed me over to sinners. He has tossed me into the hands of the wicked. I was living quietly until he shattered me. He took me by the neck and broke me in pieces. Then he set me up as his target, and now his archers surround me. His arrows pierce me without mercy. The ground is wet with my blood.” — Job 16:12-14

I will never forget the night when Dave began the process of exposing and repenting of his sexual sin, coming to me with a list of 15 things he’d never told me…all disgusting, embarrassing and humiliating. We were in the full-time ministry with 3 young children.

These words of Job explain well how I felt. Will our whole life shatter into pieces? Will this steal our dream of ministry? Each sin felt like another arrow. I felt like my heart was bleeding. The ground beneath me was literally wet with my tears.

Back in those days, there were no purity seminars in our church. No sexual integrity groups. I didn’t know other women in the same situation. I thank God for those brothers and sisters who stood beside us, helping my husband find brokenness and repentance, gently steering me towards grace.

But this struggle would not die easily.

Over the next ten years, we received much counsel as this stronghold ebbed and flowed, sometimes moving into the background for many months before reoccurring, slowly digging deeper and deeper roots.

We couldn’t find healing until we both came out of denial and faced a simple fact. Dave was a sexual addict. It wasn’t something he chose. In fact, it started in his childhood. And it was something, he always, always, desperately wanted to overcome! And my insatiable craving for love was fueling a codependent response.

Although it’s been easy to focus on my own pain in our story of sexual sin (and that pain was staggering), I’ve come to learn that there is another side of the story. And now as I re-read Job 16, I realize my husband has had even more reason to feel this way…overcome by evil archers mercilessly shooting arrows into his very heart…broken and bleeding.

How does a man, particularly a disciple of Christ, feel after his sexual sin has come into the light…after he’s spent so long hiding, defending, trying to ward off the shame that threatens to consume him? He feels…

Relief — The hiding is over, and it feels like a staggering burden has been lifted. Yet he feels trepidation…there well may be more to tell, more to face.

Denial — Although he glimpses the damage done and her pain, he can’t fully process it yet. He may alternate between being contrite and then lashing out.

Shame — Although he desperately wants to be humble, the defensiveness doesn’t disappear overnight. Shame is what drove him into sexual sin.

Fear — Will she forgive me? What if I falter and relapse? Who will believe me again?

It will take him engaging true intimacy to learn to say no to the shame that will chase him down again and again. As he throws himself into recovery, he will begin building true intimacy with God and others. And when the time is right, he will initiate in powerfully impacting other men who struggle in the same way.

If he is married, and his wife engages recovery with him, they can start to find a whole new relationship emerging, as light cleanses their relationship (Ephesians 5:8-14). Hope has been birthed, amazingly, out of sin.

The Hope of Addiction

Our society idolizes the perfect romance…where our heart would never be broken by sin. Even if we married a “dangerous” man, our love would magically transform him (the theme of most romance novels).

But the Bible doesn’t tell it this way at all! Most of the beautiful love stories of the Bible include huge losses… Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, David and Bathsheba, Issac and Rebekah. And, the love story of a God and his wayward people who repeatedly committed spiritual adultery on him (including us!)

Here’s what I’ve learned from my own journey:

(1) Dave wasn’t the only one to come into this relationship with losses.

I had my own set of losses, just as powerful as his. Being…

· Sexually abused as a child.

· Devastated by my dad’s alcoholism and verbal abuse.

· Well-versed in codependent coping mechanisms I’d learned from a young age.

· Addicted to performance as a way to gain the approval I so desperately desired

It’s been well documented that sexual addicts and love addicts are like mirror images. Dave’s losses magnified my own and may have played a role in our attraction to each other. Part of my bewilderment at Dave’s sexual sin was the ways it pressed on my own losses.

The first time I read something that suggested I might have a role in the dysfunction of our relationship, I wanted to throw the book out of the window! How dare they! I’m the victim, the one who’s been sinned against here! (Obviously, Dave wasn’t the only one in denial!)

(2) I am responsible for my part of the equation.

When we hit the breaking point of our relationship, I had a hard decision to make.

Would I ask for a divorce? Or would I engage healing within this relationship? Was God now calling me to leave?

I knew only I could decide. God had graciously given me a husband in answer to many prayers.

As I thought back over our history together, I felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit, Robin, if you don’t fight for Dave, who will? I drove to a bookstore to search for help. Soon, I was curled up in a chair with a book on overcoming love addiction. Just a few pages in, I saw my own need for healing and the many advantages of embarking into recovery with Dave.

Soon I found a recovery group for wives of sexual addicts at a local church, and began the journey with God of finding healing for my losses. There I learned much about establishing true intimacy, establishing boundaries and taking responsibility for myself.

(3) God is the best guide for the journey of recovery.

Although I may have felt alone at points, the truth is that I was never alone. God wanted to be my very safest place…my guide. He wanted me to bring the uncertainty, fear and heartache of Dave’s recovery to him. Over the months and years that followed, I learned how to engage spiritual warfare through prayer against the stronghold in my husband’s life.

The truth is that God wasn’t just concerned about Dave. He also had a good plan for me…a plan to heal me from my losses. And now I understand that if I hadn’t had sexual addiction in my marriage, I might have missed the healing that came from God’s major surgery on my heart.

Loss	Satan’s whisper	Recovery lessons
Sexual abuse	He’ll never accept you unless you give whatever is demanded.	Sexuality is a place where a husband and wife mirror Christ’s acceptance to each other. God is my protector. (Psalm 5:11)
Verbal abuse	Anything bad that happens is because you aren’t good enough.	No person on this earth can tell me who I am. God is my safest place and he alone defines me. He is my rescue. (Psalm 18:19)
Codependency	Only you can make sure that you’re never hurt like this again.	I can speak the truth in love and set healthy boundaries without fear abandonment. God is my rock. (2 Samuel 22:3)
Conditional love	Your husband (and your God) will only love you if you measure up.	God loves me in all my imperfection and allows my heart to run free. He is my advocate. (Job 16:19-20)

(4) We are a powerful team to fight the enemy!

My husband is not the enemy! Working intensely on my own issues has helped me avoid disheartening and discouraging my husband by blaming him, heaping shame on him, policing him and other control mechanisms Click here for lessons at “Pure & Simple”.

Likewise, two are better than one (Ecclesiastes 4:9). Whenever Dave and I hit a bump in the road, we’ve learned to remind each other, “Hey, we are on the same team!” We’ve seen it again and again, that couples that fully engage the journey to recovery together are a force to be reckoned with in the spiritual realms!

Sexual Addiction as a Highway to Hope

“The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs. In the haunts where jackals once lay, grass and reeds and papyrus will grow. And a highway will be there; it will be called the way of Holiness…but only the redeemed will walk there, and the ransomed of the lord will return. They will enter Zion with singing…”— Isaiah 35:7-10

With Dave and I both striving to embrace true intimacy, amazing changes begin to take place in the very core of our relationship. Now the stronghold of sexual sin is gone. Defensiveness is being replaced by a breathtaking humility.

Likewise, although I still desire love, I’m more satisfied with God and less demanding of Dave. Through God’s grace, I’m learning a battle-tested security that has taken me through a number of ongoing trials.

But this isn’t just about us. Rather, God has a plan for defeating Satan in his most damaging battleground. He’s raising up a highway of holiness, a path of true hope, for those whose lives have been ravaged by Satan’s attack.

Our God specializes in redemption! But the key is to hang on to the hope he offers! Hope, although sometimes painful (Proverbs 13:12), is our lifeline. Hope is what connects us to God’s power. Hope means doing the day-to-day work of recovery, while clinging to God as our only source of security. Ultimately, hope is God’s answer to sexual addiction.

Be sure to read Dave’s article for many practical suggestions on what might be helpful and what can not be helpful when dealing with sexual addiction. You’ll also find a list of resources you can take advantage of.

For Those Who Want To Help

A few suggestions for those seeking to help a woman who has discovered her husband’s (boyfriend or fiancé’s) involvement in sexual sin:

Admit What you Don’t Know— If you haven’t been through recovery personally or don’t have specific training in sexual recovery, realize there is much you don’t understand. Say simply, “I don’t understand, but I love you and want to be there for you however I can.”

Reaffirm that it’s not her fault — Sexual addiction did not come because she isn’t [whatever] enough. In nearly all cases, it rooted long before he knew her. Guide her towards compassion by asking, “Do you know what losses might have led him to this struggle?” Remember what she needs most is hope, not an analysis of what she could do better.

Help her grieve — Some of the places women go in their initial grief (fits of rage, trying to take control) are part of the grieving process. Venting with you may help her not to heap shame on her husband. Gently point her towards the fear, shame, etc. underneath her anger. Other women shut down and may need you to give them permission (and safety) to open up.

Pray with her — One of the most powerful ways you can respond is to ask simply, “Can we pray together?”As you take her to God again and again, you are helping her tap into her truest source of healing…her relationship with God.

Help her connect — It is powerful (and shame decreasing) to talk with others who are on the journey of recovery. Encourage your leaders to bring purity training or a woman’s recovery group to your church.

For more information on getting purity training for your church contact Dave at pureinheart@comcast.net. To respond to these articles or to tell your story of ongoing recovery from sexual sin, please contact Robin at questions@secureinheart.com.

Robin is the author of Secure in Heart—Overcoming Insecurity in a Woman’s Life. She has spoken to women’s groups around the world on security and purity issues. Here is information about an upcoming Pure in Heart seminar