Most of us have probably longed for or even expected to reach a time in our lives when we could say, “Now I know exactly what to do.” I’m still waiting for that time! It seems that just when I think I’ve learned some vital lessons, I go to the next stage of life. Now, at the “we’re not retiring!” stage, I still see I have a lot to learn. It is rewarding and humbling to look back at the stages of our life that we have experienced, and now to see our grown children raising their children, and to share some of the things God has taught us – often through our mistakes.
One of my favorite passages in the Bible is 2 Chronicles 20, where King Jehoshaphat of Judah is facing a vast army. He cries out to God saying, “We do not know what to do, but we look to you for help.” There is probably no “vast army” that is more challenging to us as parents than the task and privilege of raising our children. How often we have found ourselves saying, “We don’t know what to do!” Hopefully, we have learned to say like Jehoshaphat, “but we look to you for help,” so that we can hear God’s answer, “This is my battle not yours.”
Reliance on God is the ultimate key to raising our children and helping them raise their children. But just as Jehoshaphat and his people had to “take up their positions,” we too, have our part in which to take responsibility.
As I consider the responsibility we have as parents and grandparents, I can think of no greater need—second only to our reliance on God – than to model and train respect. Today’s world is so lacking in respect….for God, for authority, for husbands and wives, for parents and for children. God gives us clear instructions:
1 Peter 2:17 – “Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.”
Having a true fear of God—understanding who God really is and knowing who I really am—is foundational to feeling and conveying respect first to God and then to others. With that groundwork we can learn to show respect in the way God intends. An almost universal root problem at the bottom of most conflicts is this issue of respect. Dr. James Dobson addresses this in dealing with troubled marriages in his book, Love Must Be Tough (pp. 44-45):
In most troubled marriages, a basic problem lies ominously below these relatively minor irritants. It involves the way one party has begun to perceive the other, as we have described. When expressed in materialistic terms, it is the value ascribed to one human being by another. That perceived worth is incorporated in the word respect, and it is absolutely basic to all human relationships…..The way husbands and wives relate is a function of their mutual respect and admiration…..The quality of their relationship will be a direct product of their mutual respect through the years.
With the understanding that respect is basic to all human relationships, we can safely conclude that the quality of our relationship to our adult children will be a direct correlation of our mutual respect through the years.
I will use the letters in the word respect to highlight some essential principles that help convey and cultivate respect in our relationships with our adult children.
R – Recognize the Differences
With families there is no “one size fits all”. Any of us who have more than one child finds this out as soon as the second child arrives, and we see it more clearly with each addition. We can get into trouble when we compare our children, and also when we compare our family to other families. Some differences in the children in the same family make us wonder how they can come from the same parents! Each child is unique and may grow and mature in different ways on different time scales. Parents seem to be aware of this during the “growing” years, but it is important to keep this concept in mind with our adult children. Only God knows exactly what each of our children needs to become the person he intends for them to be. Each child may respond differently to relocating, to leaving for college, to accepting responsibilities, and most importantly, to seeking a relationship with God. Parents have to make conscious decisions to give room for each child to become their own person. I like the phrase “untie the apron strings” rather than “cut the apron strings”. It implies to me the gradual process involved instead of an abrupt change. As the children leave home, some will marry and start their own families, some will leave and come back……each one is different…..and each family is different! It is important to note that the size of the family only increases as you go along in life. When your child marries, the spouse’s family, with all their differences are added. Respect for each other is vital as you deal with such things as holidays, family traditions, and the various ways we view life in general.
E – Esteem Each One
It is one thing to recognize the differences in our children, but it is quite another challenge to actually esteem those differences. How do you view each of your children? What do you really think about them? Whatever that is—positive or negative—you can be sure it is communicated to your child. God’s view of his family is such an upward call to all of us as parents. In 1 Corinthians 12 the family of God is described as the body of Christ with many members, many parts arranged just as God wanted them to be. Each part has its function and is indispensable to the others. Each of our children has unique characteristics, strengths and weaknesses, gifts and abilities. It is vital to genuinely appreciate the individual personalities of our children and to value them for who they are. Part of the joy of seeing your children grow into adulthood is to become friends with them and to really “like” the person they have become. I still treasure a special plaque our oldest daughter Staci gave me expressing this thought from a daughter’s perspective. It says, “I loved you as Mother through childhood and youth. Now I’ve discovered a wonderful truth. You’re also my friend.” With God’s help, each of our children can become our friends as adults.
S – Speak the Truth in Love
In Ephesians 4:15, Paul indicates that speaking the truth in love is a key part of growing up in Christ. As a Christian, this should be our practice, so certainly as parents we should model this communication. However, this may be one of the biggest challenges we face with our adult children. Knowing when to say something and when to be silent takes the wisdom of Solomon. And then the “how” we say it so important. Ephesians 4:29 helps with that: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Certainly nagging, “preaching”, belittling, and fault-finding are not appropriate, but there are times when we as parents need to talk about some negative or uncomfortable subjects. There needs to be a “safe” atmosphere in our home, and a spirit of love and acceptance. This shows why the genuine esteem we have for each of our children is so important—so they know how much we love and appreciate them. Then, when we do need to have some hard talks, there is a cushion of a loving environment. Speaking the truth in love comes best after we have listened carefully to our children. I learned the hard way that I could have avoided some conflicts with my girls if I had first asked more questions and really listened to them, rather than reacting quickly.
Another area of our communication that requires great wisdom is the giving of advice to our adult children, especially those who are married. In general, it works best when they ask for our input before we freely give it. Certainly there are exceptions to this when we need to express concerns, hopefully with love and tact. Our communication patterns say so much about our respect for another person. Our adult children can be some of our best helpers in our learning how to speak the truth in love…if we will listen to them!
P – Pray! Pray! And Pray some more!
Without relying on God, there is no way we can adequately convey respect to our children and build the deep relationship with them that we desire and that God intends. The command in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 – “Pray continually –“ must have been written especially for us as parents! The need to pray only increases as the children become adults. All three of our girls are now married with children of their own, so we have just added more people to our prayer list. We pray daily—and many times a day for our children and grandchildren. It strengthens us, and it strengthens them as well. One of the greatest joys of my life is to have prayer walks with my three daughters, and now, to have those special times with my grandchildren as well. Praying together as a family bonds us spiritually, keeping us close to God and to each other.
E – Encourage Often
In these thoughts I am distinguishing esteem from encouragement. I used “esteem” to describe more the way we think about our children. The encouragement needs to be expressed and shown. We need to see and say the good. Now that our girls are wives and moms, they are experiencing many of the same challenges that I experienced. They need to know that we as their parents are proud of them. We are so thankful for the husbands they have and for the homes they are establishing. Unless we actually say those encouraging words to them, they won’t automatically know how we feel. Somehow, we never seem to get too old to want our parents’ approval. It means so much to know that your parents believe in you and love you for who you are. The husbands of our daughters are like our sons, so we want to be sure they hear encouragement from us as well. Heartfelt compliments and expressions of appreciation communicate respect and inspire our children on to even greater heights.
C – Communicate Carefully and Frequently
Phone calls – Texting – Skype — Emails – Facebook—Letters—there are so many ways to communicate in today’s world! In fact, it seems to complicate our communication at times. We all have different preferences as to how we like to communicate and how often. To be effective, you have to determine which way works for each person! We have found that we had to learn some new methods in order to keep up with our adult children and our grandchildren. We have all these methods within our fingertips, yet it still takes effort and planning to keep in touch as a family. Since most of us live such fast-paced lives, it can be challenging to connect on a regular basis. Here, again, each family has its own challenges. Some live close to each other and see each other frequently. Without some understood boundaries, there can be problems of being too involved in each other’s lives. Sometimes the parents can know more than they need to know about their adult children and their families. For our family, our three girls and their families live in three different parts of the country, so most of our communication is long distance. As parents, we often need to be the ones to take the initiative to stay in touch. Our adult children are at the busiest stage of their lives with raising their children. We need to continue to make the effort to communicate not only with our daughters but with our “sons” as well. Several years ago, we made the mistake of planning our family time by only talking with our girls. Only later did we learn that our guys (sons-in-law) wanted to be able to plan their own vacation time. (Some things are obvious to us—after the fact!) In reality we communicated disrespect to them, which was not at all what we wanted to do. It turned out to be a great time for all of us to express our thoughts and feelings about our family time, and helped make the next times even better.
T – Take Time Together
There is no replacement for face to face, in-person time. With all of our busy schedules, this can be one of biggest challenges we face. For our family, we have worked hard to set aside one time a year that all of us get together. That gets harder to accomplish as the grandchildren get older. For some, you have the joy of living close to your children, so you may see them frequently. It’s not a given that living in close proximity means that you spend quality time together.
Again, the parents can help to put a priority on family time, and hopefully, without pressuring can be sure to set aside special times. We have just experienced the joy of having 17 of us under the same roof for our yearly family time. Everyone gets to have a part in what we plan to do, so we have lots of fun—swimming, playing games, watching movies….and eating! Al makes sure the adults get some good talk time to see how we are doing in our lives and marriages. This time will not happen without effort and planning, but all of us are so grateful when we see how much closer we feel after our talks. Shared experiences, whether we are working, playing or worshiping together help to bond us as a family. These times together help us build a storehouse of special memories.
Our family relationships are worth fighting for. God has given us an arena—the family—in which to learn, grow and mature. As we learn God’s way to show genuine respect for one another, we will see God’s Family –the church, grow from generation to generation.
