Teaching and Modeling Conflict Resolution: Dealing with Tattling

Before I get into how to teach this to your children, the first thing to check is how it is going with you … Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault just between the two of you. If he listens, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.”

Matt 5:23 says, “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”
Whether we are the sinner or the one sinned against, God expects us to take the initiative to resolve a situation. So, check yourself: When you have a difficult time with someone who has sinned against you or if someone has been in sin and you become aware of it, do you go to that person? If you do, does it stay a private conversation between the two of you?
Or, and this is a big OR, do you keep it to yourself? Perhaps you pray about it, and then share your frustration, hurt, anger or disappointment with someone else – maybe without using names.
Do you vent and then leave the situation alone, thinking “I could be wrong.” “It’s probably just me.” “I know someone is already talking to them about that.” “S/he had a really poor response last time we talked.” “S/he’ll just get defensive.” “Who am I to point that out when I …….”?
How are you doing with your friends at church? Your spouse? Your co-workers, family members, neighbors?
If we are not putting Matt 18:15 into practice, we will do a poor job teaching it to our children. The best way to teach them is to go through the pain ourselves. To live it; feel that twisting in your gut when you have to talk to another person because of something you, or they, have done wrong. It’s HARD!
Understanding this and practicing it will make you a much better teacher to your children when you help them with conflict resolution.
So, how do you teach your kids?
This is something we have worked on with our children since they could talk. “MOM!!!! He took my ……!!!!”
“DAD!!!! She won’t …….”
Sound familiar? When your child comes to you, how do you respond?
Your first priority is:
IF THEY COME ALONE, SEND THEM BACK!
Matt 18:15 says, if your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault and if he doesn’t listen,
BRING ONE OR TWO OTHERS ALONG.
In terms of child conflict, notice who participates in the second conversation: the upset child, the other child (or adult) they are having a problem with, and a helper – that’s you!
If my son comes to me saying, “Mom, she….” I literally say, “Excuse me. Where is she?”
“Well she…..”
“If your sister is not with you, you are tattling. Go back to her and tell her what you don’t like. If she doesn’t listen, tell her you don’t feel she is respecting your wishes. If she still will not listen, tell her, ‘Let’s go get some help.’ And then come back together.”
Ah, I can hear you asking, “What if she won’t come?” That’s the clincher: if she won’t come, guess who gets in trouble? She does. The one who won’t come is the one who gets in trouble.
What if you hear your little darling saying (or more likely yelling), “I’M GONNA GET SOME HELP!!!!” Hmmm…..sounds an awful lot like “I’m gonna TELL!!!” which is making a threat. It is amazing to me how kids can use things. So then you would teach about threatening.
This one practice has helped so very, very much in dealing with conflict between my children.
The main thing is, our children need to learn to put Matt 18:15 into practice. They need to go INDIVIDUALLY to the person they have a problem with and have a private conversation (and yes, they’ll need lots of teaching, training and modeling on how to do that). If it doesn’t go well, then they should come TOGETHER to get help.
Set them up for success now, while they are young. They need to learn how to talk about and resolve issues the way God calls us to. They will need to learn this with each other, with their friends, with you (when they have problems with you) and with your spouse.