I recently came back from an amazing Church conference titled, “On the Mountain of the Lord”. You know how such conferences always come right when we need them? This one also came right when it was needed.
2012 has been a roller coaster ride for me.
On the one hand, I’ve experienced the highs of completing my Master’s degree and becoming certified as a personal trainer, and given the opportunity to help coordinate a large statewide event for the singles in my Church and our sister churches taking place in October.
On the other hand, I’ve had several thousand dollars in unexpected expenses in the first half of the year, have had a hard time figuring out what to do with my life now that I’ve finished school, spent more time in my Dr.’s office than I spent all of last year, had my car vandalized, email accounts repeatedly hacked, differences of opinions with spiritual leaders, interesting situations with my physical and spiritual families, and relationship disappointments. I’ve learned a lot this year about communication and conflict resolution.
I’m neurotically obsessive compulsive about planning my life and my schedule. Seriously, it’s a problem. At the beginning of 2012, I had 2 spiritual goals. The first was that I wanted to understand God’s love. The second was that I wanted to plan less and pray more for God’s direction in my life.
Halfway through the year, I feel like I’m failing both in my ability to understand and give love, and in my trust and surrender to God. Through lessons and conversations, and through experiences since leaving the Summit, I’ve come to the conclusion that what I need to work on the most in both of those areas is learning to love God.
For me, being a Christian has always been the right thing to do. I was raised to believe in the veracity of the Bible, and while I took some time as an adult to test that conviction, I couldn’t walk away from what proved itself to be true in my life over and over again. I was raised memorizing Scriptures, even whole chapters and epistles at a time. While this has certainly deepened my convictions and moral character in many ways, sometimes knowledge can puff up while love builds up (1 Cor. 8:1). As Paul’s same letter later says, if I have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal (1 Cor. 13:1).
I’ve been reading a book called “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World”, by Joanna Weaver, in my times with God. This morning I read about Lazarus. Weaver wrote about how often we put periods where God puts commas, and commas where He puts periods. She referenced Romans 8:28-39 and reminded her readers of the fact that God works things out for the good of all of those who love Him, not just individuals. Sometimes we only see our piece of the story, and miss the fact that there is a bigger plot playing out—we may never understand why we experience certain twists and turns because we can’t see how they’re affecting other characters’ stories.
Weaver reminds us that we trust people we know. I thought about that and the fact that I have a lot of Biblical knowledge, but have such a hard time trusting God. I am praying to know Him and understand His heart better through all of these learning experiences I’m going through. I’m reminded of Job at the end of his book. I don’t know how long his story continued. I know the story, but I don’t know how long he sat with his friends, how long it took to go through the dark times, before God blessed him with double what he had had before the suffering began.
I know that at the beginning of the story God considered him faithful, and he certainly was religious as he used to offer sacrifices for the redemption of his children. All of his friends were religious, as they gave him religious answers for his suffering throughout the book. Even in the midst of that religion, and even though their hearts were in the right place, tho
ugh, God rebukes all of them at the end of Job’s story. Despite this knowledge of God, Job cannot find God in his suffering. One of my favorite Scripture passages is Job 23:8-10. After all of his suffering, then the added weight of friends making him feel condemned, Job cries out that he’d rather be able to talk to God Himself. He says, though, that he’s looked for Him from the east to the west, in the north, and in the south, but can’t find him anywhere. Refusing to let go of his faith, he exclaims, “But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.”
What I thought of this morning, as I was reading Weaver’s interpretation of Martha’s growth in faith from the time Jesus was first portrayed as visiting her family in Bethany, until the death of her brother, is how like Job I am at the end of his book. In the final chapter, when God has reminded Job of who He is, Job says, “Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know….My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you (Job 42:3,5).”
Since the conference, what I’ve decided that I want for the rest of this year, is to get to know God—not just His precepts, but Him. I want to understand His heart, I want to trust His love for me and for others, and I want to have the capacity to share that love.
