For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mom. I had it all planned out: in my mid-twenties we would have two girls two years apart. God had other plans for us! We are blessed with three amazing kids who are currently 24, 13 and just about 10. My husband’s daughter came to live with us from the Ivory Coast in West Africa when she was nine years old. (Prior to that, she had never lived with him, and he [we] had only met her once since she was born, so there wasn’t a real parental relationship there.) Then two years later we had a son between us and three and a half years later another son. Wow! It didn’t happen quite as I wanted, but it happened just as we needed.
Before having kids, I thought I understood parenting. I had participated in many parenting devos, Kids Kingdom, babysitting, etc. I had many opinions about what “correct parenting” looked like. Then we had our own kids…. Boy was I humbled! I love being a mom, but it sure isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of work and evokes a variety of deep and intense emotions: some good and some not so good. We’ve been married for over 22 years and in the last 15 years of having kids in the home, I’ve come to understand that each phase of life for our children brings about its own challenges and joys, and thus the learning never ends. These are some of the things I’ve been learning through my journey as “Mom” so far. I hope they are helpful to you.
Parenting: Love, Humility and Prayer
1.) Love and love some more
Everyone’s basic need is to be loved and feel loved. Our kids crave it from us. If you have little kids, kneel down in the same room as them and see what they do. Almost instinctively the come and hug us or sit on our laps, etc. They want to be close to us. When we see them laughing or sharing with siblings/friends, etc., our hearts overflow and we love to hug them and cuddle them (Isaiah 40:11 “He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.”). Then there are times when they are throwing their umpteenth tantrum of the day (at any age) and we’ve had it! These are times when love might be shown in the form of training or discipline and then hugs. Both ways of communicating love are equally important…even as they get older. No matter how our kids are behaving, showing and telling of our love for them, especially after challenging times or discipline, is extremely important so they always feel solid in their relationship with us. (Hebrews 12:11“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”)
2.) In parenting, be humble and don’t freak-out!
The truth is we are going to screw-up as parents from time to time. We will make mistakes. We will hurt our kids’ feelings, and we will hurt our spouse’s feelings in parenting.
It’s just a fact. There will be many situations we won’t know how to handle or that we think we know how to handle. If we keep friends and trusted advisors in our lives who know us and our kids, the journey will be easier (although, not easy). The Bible tells us that pride brings disgrace and plans fail for lack of counsel, but humility and advice bring wisdom and success. (Proverbs 11:2 “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” Proverbs 15:22 “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”) At every stage there are new unknowns and questions. If we go to God and to those who have gone before us in parenting, this can be much less daunting. Ultimately we have to make the decisions ourselves based on our convictions and family “culture”, but advice can really help get a variety of perspectives, some of which may be new to our thinking and worth considering.
As we know, a kid’s innate job is to grow-up. In order to do that, they are going to try new things and push boundaries. Sometimes we parents will anticipate these changes, however there will be plenty of times when these changes hit us like a bolt of lightening – very unexpectedly. These are the times we have to pray about in advance; pray for wisdom, self-control, patience and ears/hearts that hear what isn’t being spoken. (1 Thess 5:16-18: “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”)
About a year ago, when my middle child was 12, he got a cell phone. He has been very responsible with it. What I didn’t anticipate was how I would feel seeing him texting girls. It’s such a private way to communicate (unlike when I was a kid and we had to use the corded phone where everyone could hear). He hadn’t done anything wrong. All of the texting was completely innocent, but for some reason I freaked when I saw texting with this girl (nice girl, don’t get it wrong). I went down a really weird road with me crying and telling him I just didn’t want him “to have sex before marriage,” yada yada yada. Holy smokes! He was 12! I’m not really sure where it all came from! I called a close friend to ask about how to handle texting and boundary pushing, etc. and the advice I got was “Whatever you do, DON’T FREAK OUT!” If only I had asked sooner! Needless to say, I had to go back and apologize profusely to our son and promised not to do it again. Unfortunately, my “freak-out” caused him to be cautious of telling me things. It’s taken a year of me not freaking-out to rebuild that trust to a point he feels comfortable sharing with me again…and still, he’s somewhat cautious. I’m still rebuilding, but we’re getting there. Lesson learned: get advice at every stage even if I think “I’ve got it” or I’ve already made a mistake (…and don’t freak-out).
3.) There is no perfect equation
When I was a new parent, I thought I would follow in the footsteps for those before me: do family devotionals, pray with our kids, have spiritual conversations and love them a ton and voila! They would become Christians. I still think this is the way to go, but little did I know that once they hit middle school, they really would develop their own beliefs and test the spiritual waters. I believe we give our kids the best possible chance of becoming Christians by doing the above, but it doesn’t guarantee they will. Our kids have free will just like we do. They also will have to go through things (big and/or small) to hopefully move them to a point of needing God…and still they may not choose Him. (2 Timothy 3:16: “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” Acts 17: 26-27: “From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and PERHAPS reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us.” [caps added for emphasis]) They will go on their own spiritual journey just as we are.
I remember when our daughter was a young teenager. We kept encouraging her to go to teen devotionals, and study the Bible. She liked the devotionals because all of her friends were there. The Bible studies took a longer time though. I worried she would not put effort into her studies or that she wouldn’t choose God. After almost two years of studying on and off, she decided to make Jesus Lord of her life, but it was not easy. Many times I prayed the hardest prayer I’ve EVER prayed: “Whatever it takes, God!” That could have been anything! It was so challenging to utter those words to God. Eventually she saw her need for God and has been a faithful disciple for eight years now. We are so proud of her faith, determination and perseverance…and yet we don’t take it for granted because we know that life happens and things change. We pray for each of our kids daily and trust the Holy Spirit is doing all it can to move them toward God. But in the end, it is up to them.
4.) Blended families: It takes heart
Our family is a cross between a blended family and an adoptive family. Our oldest child, Elodie (24) is my husband’s daughter and my step-daughter (if we’re technical, although in my mind and heart she is my daughter). Elodie did not meet her dad until she was four (although he cared for her financially) and didn’t live with him/us until she was nine when she came to the States. It is somewhat awkward becoming parents of a nine year old in the blink of an eye. Elodie was already at an age where she had developed her personality and had opinions, etc. We didn’t get to “grow” into parenting as one does with a baby going through the various stages and shaping the child as one sees fit.
The day I met Elodie when she was four years old was the day I gave her my heart forever. She truly became my daughter that day although it took five more years before we would live under the same roof. What I learned is that there are many, many adjustments for families that adopt children – especially older children. There isn’t history to build your relationship on. You’re really creating history from scratch so to speak. At every turn we had to make sure Elodie knew she had our hearts. Sometimes it didn’t feel good (like when we had to discipline her), but we tried very hard to show her and tell her how much we loved her. Elodie also had to make a choice to give us her heart. She didn’t have to. There were probably a number of times she didn’t want to, but for our blended family to come together as one, we all had to give and thankfully we did…even when it was hard.
One of the more challenging times of adjusting was when we had babies between us. Elodie loves her brothers and is an incredible big sister to them. She knew, however, that she wasn’t my biological child and they were. Despite our efforts, there were times she felt she didn’t have a place in our family: did we love her as we loved them? We had many, many conversations about her dad’s relationship with her mom, what happened, where I came into the picture, etc. Honestly, I think she may always have those types of lingering thoughts. It’s normal, I believe. As parents, we’ve done our best to treat each of our kids with the same heart of love and after 14 years of being together, Elodie knows our family isn’t complete without her. We came to recognize that while some of our challenges may have been different from a family whose kids are all from the same parents, most of what we experienced was all part of normal growing up (joys, sorrows, attitudes, etc.), and we had to keep perspective. What an incredible gift it has been to be her mom.
Each family has its own culture and every child is unique. Our kids’ lives will take many twists and turns in their journey, and as parents we guide them and raise them the best way we can. The most important thing we can do for them is to give them our hearts and stay close to God by being humble in prayer and with others. My “Mom” journey is on-going even as our kids enter into the adult phase of their lives. I continue to learn! I hope one day I will get to sit with them as they become parents and watch their journeys unfold.
