It’s perfectly normal for adoptive parents to look at their new child and wonder if they will ever fit into the family, or if you’ll ever truly love that child or even if they will return that love. Often parents find out that their expectations of what the bonding process would be like is inaccurate and they find themselves in a state of disappointment or frustration. The journey may go smoothly or may be bumpy, but here are some strategies for bonding with your adopted child.
1. Bonding takes time. If you adopted a baby, the time it takes to adapt depends on the age they were adopted. Younger than six months, you may find that babies may fuss more than usual, refuse to feed sometimes, and sleep for too many hours (or too few). These behaviors have nothing to do with your parenting skills, and often may pass in a few weeks. During that transition, cuddle and hold babies as often as you can. Give them gentle massages before bedtime. Wear them in a sling or front carrier instead of putting them in the stroller or bouncy seat. Music can be soothing, too. If you adopted internationally, try to find lullabies in their native language.
2. If you adopted a toddler or older child, be patient. With older children, prepare yourself by realizing that there may be some tough weeks ahead after adoption. If children have previous caregivers that they loved, then the child will be in a crisis — they’ve lost the people who meant the most to them. They may act out and test limits as the child learns to trust you. Nip such behaviors in the bud by setting up routines, so they know what to expect, and by setting a few rules. As often as you can, catch children being good so they become more confident of their abilities to behave. Let them choose a family dinner, a family activity, a game to play or a movie you watch once a week. They need to have a little bit of control in a life that has previously been so out of their control.
3. Talk a lot to your child. Babies soak up language from their surroundings, and that goes double for an adoptive child. Children who’ve been in an orphanage often lag behind in language skills. You can help toddlers by talking through your day when you’re taking a walk, doing chores, or just hanging out. Pause so they can answer, even if it’s with a grunt or a coo. Talking will help them feel included and worthy of your attention. Develop face-to-face contact. Make sure that you have communication with your adopted child often focusing on eye contact. Children learn to read your face and what you mean and you learn to read their facial cues as well.
4. If you have older kids, get them involved. Including them can help speed up the bonding process. Encourage them to pitch in often in as many ways as they want. Before adopting, they can help choose a name, help pick out toys and clothes. Give them fun tasks like making funny faces when you’re bathing or diapering the baby, or playing games with them while you make dinner.
5. Start a few traditions. Rituals make every child feel special and give little ones something to look forward to. Keep a scrapbook for your newest family member that you all can look through on the anniversary of the day they joined the family. When you say prayers, consider including your child’s birth family in your blessings. If your child was adopted internationally, pick one of the important holidays from that country and celebrate it every year.
6. Show your child that you love them in how you speak. Use a gentle tone of voice. This helps calm fears and anxieties. Respond to communication with children by repeating their vocalizations and verbal expressions. They learn that you are really listening and that you care what they are saying. Let them know that you are there for them and that you would like to spend time with them. Find activities that they are interested in and participate in those with them.
7. God is in control. Don’t give in to your fear and emotions. Don’t forget that we cannot control all of the variables in your child’s life or how quickly the bonding process takes. In Philippians 4:6 it says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” God wants us to bring all of our fears and emotions to Him and He will resolve it for us. We need to pray and petition Him for His guidance and peace. Surely the God who created all living things can help with the adopted child to bring out their best.
8. Know when to seek professional help. Many children who are adopted later in life were from abusive homes, nonfunctional homes, and may have seen and been involved in harsh home situations. Quite often, the adopted child may have emotional issues and learning disabilities that may require professional help to resolve some of those issues. There are counselors who specialize in adoption issues. Reach out if you feel that you are in over your head and allow the professional to help you gain insight and redirection.
