It’s been a year and a half since I broke up with someone I loved. I can say in full assurance, it was one of the darkest times of my life. I literally thought I was going to die from the pain. Yet, it was one of the best, and most loving decisions I have made both for myself and the other person. This was the beginning of my journey to contentment as a 30 -something single.
I’ve read a lot of blogs over the years about contentment in singlehood, most were written by married women, writing from hindsight. By the very nature of the author’s relationship status I tended to think that the underlying message was, “once you learn to be content God will bring the right person.” This isn’t what God promises. He never promises changed circumstances. He promises,
“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” — Philippians 4:19 (NIV)
I remember reading a blog by Scarlet Meyer, “Why I broke up with someone I love”. So much resounded with me as I grappled with the same questions,
“I always thought that if you loved your partner, everything else would just fall into place. I’ve learned (the very hard way), that that’s not always the case. You can love the person you’re with and be unhappy. You can love the person you’re with and leave. Those feelings aren’t mutually exclusive.”
Over the course of the last year and a half God took me on a journey of deep healing. Healing I was so unaware I needed. I learned, when God allows something painful in your life you can be sure he will use it for your ultimate good and draw you closer to Him. I had a much deeper issue in my heart than just the wounds caused by my break up. Those wounds were obvious, but hidden under the surface was the real cause of my pain. God was not sitting on the throne of my heart, my ex was. I had placed man above God. I could not honor and submit to an imperfect man when I didn’t trust and submit to Jesus, the perfect lover of my soul. There was a war for my heart and God was jealous over my devotion.
“For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” — Deuteronomy 4:24 (NIV)
For years I was blinded to the fact that I idolized men. I worshiped how they made me feel, the attention they gave me, the comfort they sometimes provided. This was where I found my self-worth. I was a broken girl who grew up without a father, abandoned by her single mother, first emotionally and eventually physically. In turn, I searched for love and acceptance from men.
