“The number one factor that leads to a successful recovery is the support of a spouse.” –Douglas Weiss Ph. D Author of The Final Freedom
The phone calls and emails never stop. Almost every week we are made aware of another couple whose marriage is in crisis because of sexual sin. The pain and devastation are heartbreaking. You hear it in their voices as they search for answers and hope.
Unfortunately eight years ago it was my wife, Robin, who was making that call, and it was our marriage that was teetering on the brink of collapse. I was still losing my longstanding battle with sexual sin and I had finally reached a point of desperation.
Recovering Together
In the past couples were often told to deal with sexual sin separately, men with men and women with women. The thinking for men was that their wife “wouldn’t understand” or “just couldn’t handle it” if she knew what was going on with him sexually. We strongly reject that premise for the following reasons:
1. The Bible teaches that when there has been a sin committed against another person, the forgiveness process begins with a discussion between those two people (Matthew 5:23-24, Matthew 18:15, Luke 15:18-21).
2. Sexual sin is a sin against your partner, a violation of a pledge made to confine your sexual gratification to your spouse and your spouse only. Confession, repentance and reconciliation should therefore start with the two people involved in this covenant relationship, in order to “guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband” (Hebrews 13:4 The Message).
3. Sexual addicts live in a fantasy world. Confessing to your partner and seeing your partner’s pain is reality, a much needed reality (Proverbs 28:13). Ask any man who he would rather confess to…“the brothers” or his wife. The answer will almost always be to anyone other than his wife. Why? Because he fears that her reaction will be strong and emotional.
4. Wives can also live in fantasy about where their husbands are in their purity. It is also important for her to see clearly what is happening. While the truth is painful, it is the only path to freedom (John 8:32).
5. To avoid the powerful attraction of “false intimacy,” those who struggle with sexual sin need to build “true intimacy.” True intimacy is based on being fully known and being fully accepted (Genesis 2:25). Secrecy destroys the possibility of true intimacy and perpetuates one of the core beliefs of sexual addicts, “No one would love me as I am.” (Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows, 2001).
Though we could (and probably someday will) write a book on this topic, let me offer some suggestions on what we have learned during the past eight years of recovery.
Wishing this would all just go away! — Because this topic is painful and difficult to approach, you may be tempted to think, “Maybe he can just work this out with the men at church?” or, “Maybe this is just a phase that will pass.”
Trust me! If your husband is a follower of Jesus, he also wants this whole issue to be over and done with. For 30 years I told myself, “OK, that’s it, this will never happen again!” Unfortunately, wishing, even praying that this will just go away very rarely works.
Robin and I have a simple agreement that helps me keep my life in the light…I confess early and she doesn’t heap shame on me! She does tell me how my sin affects her, for instance, “Honey, I’m hurt and angry,” but balances that by encouraging me for my openness and letting me know she believes in me.
Becoming the “Purity Police!” — You may have a very strong urge to control or manage your husband’s sexual addiction by looking at his phone records, putting him through a daily inquisition, or by trying to catch him in sexual sin, and then “putting him in jail” if you find something. It is not wise for you to do this.
Remember that if you take responsibility for his sin, you may decrease his ability to take responsibility. You may be tempted to replace trust in God with your own control. But most of all, you’ll end up feeding his feelings of shame and inadequacy, making him feel like a little child and fueling the desire to rebel against you.
What DOES Help
Praying constantly — I really believe that my wife’s constant cries to God on my behalf have been a large part of my victory over sexual sin. She literally went to war in prayer against the stronghold in my life. Knowing that she’s fighting for me (and still prays for me constantly) gives me great confidence and courage that I’m not alone in this battle.
Setting firm boundaries — The addict will take advantage of easy forgiveness with no consequences. If you push their sin under the rug, there will be an emotional rush of gratitude…they will be on best behavior and may even buy you things, trying to reinforce their image as a good husband. But when the cycle repeats, the addict reasons that you’ll forgive again, or he listens to Satan’s whisper, “you don’t have to tell.”
Believing his actions — Women often ask us how they can trust a man who repeatedly lied to them. The answer is simple. Trust their actions rather than their words. Because of the large amount of shame present in sexual addiction, addicts become experts at deception and half-truths through many years of practice and avoidance.
Creating a safe place for openness and intimacy — There’s a very good chance that building true, Biblical intimacy is new territory for your husband. He will often be very awkward in the way he expresses himself. Being critical and offended by how he says things may discourage him from engaging the process. Encourage him, ask a few questions, and make some suggestions.
· “Help me understand better what you are trying to say, honey.”
· “Can I give you a suggestion?”
· “Next time it would help me if you would…”
Encouraging your husband — The road to recovery is a long one. But remember that every step he takes toward recovery is a step towards healing. Look for the good and then point it out, i.e. “Thank you honey that you made it safe for me to talk to you about my pain.” “I appreciate you getting in a recovery group.”
Encouragement fills his emotional tank, giving him a reservoir of true intimacy to draw from that helps him shun false intimacy. I treasure Robin’s faith in me, shown through her words of encouragement and respect.
Being ready to go the distance — Purity is a process. There are almost always setbacks. I’ve heard it said, “recovery is never a straight line.” Recovery is a process of repentance that includes building relationships, learning to deal with emotional pain, setting and honoring boundaries. All of these will take time.
The Blessings of Recovery Together
Because sex addicts must deal with deep emotions to heal, they can become very good partners. In fact, Robin now says that I lead her in purity. What a testimony to God’s grace! But it is also God’s plan for marriage. Read Ephesians 5 and notice how, in order to model Christ’s love for the church, a husband needs to make his wife holy, cleansing her with the water of the word.
Along with that, we have the privilege of ministering to couples across the world that struggle with sexual sin. Knowing what God has done for us has enabled us to have great faith for others. In fact, we’ve found that if both partners will engage recovery, the vast majority of couples can recover, no matter how deep and complex the sin.
We’re seeing engaged couples able to maturely and wisely take on sexual and/or love addiction and find victory before they’re married. We’re seeing people becoming Christians and being restored through Recovery Ministry!
Be sure to read Robin’s article on “Hope for Sexual Addiction” to get a beautiful and heartfelt take on a woman’s journey to healing.
Robin and I are committed to developing resources for others who are struggling with sexual addiction and love addiction issues. These include:
Pure and Simple purity conference — Come together with other men and women (married and single) who are dealing with purity issues in their own lives or their marriages, for specific training and life-changing exercises. The second annual conference will take place November 5 through 7, 2010 in Chicago, with new classes and new experiences. (Click here to listen to last year’s seminar.) Contact Dave at pureinheart@comcast.net for more information.
www.secureinheart.com — See the questions section for answers to many questions from women about dealing with impurity in their relationships.
Building a Pure Marriage in an Impure World — Full audio from an intensive marriage seminar Dave and Robin held in their home for twelve couples seeking to overcome purity struggles in their marriages. Includes full transcripts and exercises. Contact Dave at pureinheart@comcast.net to purchase a copy.
